Hooyah Stuff

What you won’t find in Star Trek: Online’s version of Quark’s Bar though are the Holosuites – which are much the same as The Next Generation’s holodecks, only with the understanding that no matter how enlightened they are, no people with a machine capable of creating any fantasy in the universe are going to just fight the Battle of the Alamo and pretend to be Victorian governesses and the like. The main cast never really indulged, but it was understood that not all of Quark’s customers were so restrained – one episode’s B story was entirely about an alien trying to get him to make a virtual love-doll of Kira, the station’s first officer, and a woman doomed to always be described using the dreadful word ‘feisty’.

Sadly, building a room capable of creating anything in the universe proved beyond Star Trek Online’s designers – the wusses – so forget about having a hot stardate, milking the franchise, cleaning out Jeffrey’s tubes, whacking off with Weyoun, penetrating the galactic barrier, implanting a Trill, turning O’Brien smiley, touching Q’s finger, worshipping the Celestial Temple, spooning like Cardassian voles, making first, second and third contact, using the Vulcan kegel pinch, riding a runabout, venturing into the pink wormhole, fondling your Tribbles, bumping Pakleds, making Odo splash on the floor, adopting the Emissary position, distributing some ketrasex-white, waltzing with Bashir, relocating some Space Seed, warping to fourth base, giving Bones double-duty, doing the Efram Cochran, promoting the bald Captain, digging into fresh gagh, being fingered by the hands of the Prophets, giving it the old Badda-Bing Badda-Bang, communing with a couple of Bajoran orbs, getting some glop-on-your-stick, engorging holosuite safeties, going to subspace with the Dominion, lapping the habitation ring, jerking the Kirk, docking at Deep Space Sixty-Nine, buggering a Borg, or setting phasers to spunk.